i fell asleep thinking thoughts.

i fell asleep thinking thoughts,

I was in a house of someone I love. [my fiance, her dad's house, he's here, i see him but he's in a different room, i can see through the walls so i really don't mind that he's in a different room] I had no shirt on.[i'm so uncomfortable, where's my shirt?] I'm at the junction of about five sets of stairs.[i can smell my grandmother's stairs in her basement, these are those same stairs, only five of them, and i'm still scared of falling down the stairs with no railing and smashing my three year old bones on the concrete, i'm still so scared of cutting my ten year old skin on a sharp nail when i fall and getting tetanus, and i'm terrified that when i fall my fifteen year old self will be embarrassed, all at once]

I never did make it through the door of any of the stairs, but I could see through the walls fine, so I didn't mind so very much.[i'm so scared that i can't get through one of the damn doors. i am stuck here in this hole, if only i could get through at least one of them, i can smell my grandmother's kitchen on the other side, it's christmas there and thanksgiving through that one and i'm visiting her back from college and i smell the summer through that one and that one her dog is scratching under the door and that one i'm crying on the other side of because i'm upset i lost a toy and it's only in the other room but i just want to cry a little, and i don't blame me i'd cry too if i couldn't walk straight and couldn't remember my toys were in the other room, it's bad enough i'm under two feet tall.]

I never did make it to the top of any of the stairs, and never was turning out to be a long time, so I just left. I didn't exit the room through any doors, I just suddenly was a different place at the intersection of a hall[the hall didn't actually exist, and i knew this] and some stairs. I walked up another set of stairs, not one of the original sets of stairs, mind you, and as I walk through the door I interrupt someone I love on a cell phone. She didn't know how to react, actually, she wasn't expecting me and didn't really want company.[i was so embarrassed i wanted to talk to her but she was on the phone and it's rude, but the phone can wait anyway, i want to call my grandmother's house from here but know it won't work, i can't smell anything any more, i've moved on...] I knew she really wanted to speak to me, it was just not the right time. That was fine, actually, because her entire house was actually a library, so I walked through the books.[i couldn't read the books though, because i knew the second i started reading one i would wake up. never enough time to read books, is there]

You can only understand this analogy if you understand the concept of a slope field created in calculus. The slope field shows you all the possible answers to a differential equation. Each book was one point on the slope field.[but i didn't have enough time to read, i'd just wake up anyway.] This guy I used to work with shows up, and he has a beard now. I hug him.[i don't know why, i never hug anyone and don't know him that well.] He's doing something. Civil War reenactment, possibly; just something that requires a large group, which he had with him. A girl I have class with was with him.[i hugged her too; she was sad. she didn't feel any better because i only dreamed i hugged her, and i knew it didn't really happen.]

I never did see my fiance. I never did see the girl who[unbeknownst to me] owned the library after she left, talking on the phone.

To start out here and now in the house with the stair room[it's here as soon as i wake up i'll be back i know it where is this i can see it if only i open my eyes but i'm too tired i'm sleepy] and be able to smell so vividly the sights on the other side of the stairs[i remember that, i remember that too, i was so little, that was only yesterday but i was two years old and it was earlier today that i was fifteen and drove for the first time but it was a few weeks ago that i gave a speech in class but it has been years since i couldn't see over the countertop by myself how... is this], only to end up in a damn library[depository]. What a waste. The worst part was the annoying person on the phone[it was actually me] that kept telling my friend what I am like in the future.

That's none of anyone's business. I guess it's not even any of my business, since she took the phone away.

and i woke up feeling feelings.

ch eck sh eet

checklist

service project, check: erwin clean-up as well as rmh trips that i helped coordinate

great room gig, check: stop the traffick, and the guitar hero tournament that i helped set up

d2l, goldmail, check: i'm addicted to checking my damn goldmail...

resume, check: in progress

pos, check: constantly being updated

rogaine, check: i need to pull that back out and revise, now that i think of it

blog: not nearly as many as i want to claim, actually.

projects

1. impacting the world

well, i want to do two things next semester. first, i am starting this semester with helping brittany r. set up a relay for life team, the first ever for governor's hall. i'm excted.

next, i'm going to help coordinate at least three fundraisers next semester for fimrc, we're throwing around the idea of fundraising for playground equipmen for the ronald mcdonald house. even if that doesn't stand the fires of winter break, good things are in the future.

2. "why?"

this is so hard. i've just been reading, as i usually do, keeping this topic in mind. i really have no more questions that i intend to follow. i wrestled with religion for years, but now i'm at peace with myself about it. i want to delve into psychology-- i'm reading "40 experiments that changed psychology" right now-- so i'm becoming a psychology major..

3. who am i?

the one time i really connected with this topic was in a series of heated arguments and discussions between myself and a couple of people i love that are very close to me...

turns out that the direction my entire life was(is) going was(is) completely wrong. i was(am) doing things for the wrong, selfish reasons. actually... i am still doing things for the wrong, selfish reasons, and enjoying them, no less.

i prefer to think that the ends justify the means(and the motivations)

4. motivation

well, this ties in too closely with who i am for me to seperate them. my whole life is guided in the right direction using the wrong map.

how..... to fix this? actually, does it need to be fixed? do i need a new map?

this is so crucial to my entire life, but i don't know. i just don't know.

i'll be damned if i don't impact something somehow

i can impact the world.

first, i'm really happy that brittney is starting a relay for life team for governor's hall. i am going to help as much as i can whenever i can.

and, i still really like meira's idea of the playground at rmh. i'm going to help as much as i can whenever i can.

if only i had some original thoughts inside my damn head. maybe someday.

i do have my own ideas, they are just a little...... disconnected.

Motivation

"i want to do something that matters"

but just what is that?

i'll take a look at the baser things first, work my way up. why do i want to do psychology? because of the way i talk to people sometimes, like i am a seperate thing from them instead of a continuity of their humanity.
i don't like being a continuity of your humanity. i like being seperate. i'll tell you that you are human, alright. i just won't participate in it.

why do i want to do pre-med? because i can't think of anything to do with a degree in psychology that is as rewarding financially as a doctorate in psychiatry. i'm sorry that i think of money as a motivation, but i already have a big family and want to just increase on that. i want security, and money is security. no, i don't plan on "scraping by" on the salary of a psychiatrist. but the money is a comfort.

there's no telling what a degree in psychology or anything else will get me-- med school, if passed successfully, is a little definate.

Impacting the World

by doing what? right now, i'm trying to get together game day for fimrc the 24th(next wednesday)

i am trying to get our guitar hero tournament going, but there is so much PAPERWORK BEAURACRATIC BULLSHIT to go through.

the people that have been helping me thru the paperwork are nice enough about it, i just keep getting MORE.

AAH.

i want to impact the world by having another charity event in the spring.
i just don't know what. meira has some ideas, other people have ideas, i have ideas.

ideas are worthless to me any more.
i need to move.

pull it together man

pull it together man it's not that bad you just have to keep updated on the forum and pull off the guitar hero tournament and keep intouch and inlove and insane and together for the win - ter is coming and a good friend at that, hopefully she will be able to help and i need to bring my cold-clothing piled up in the room to the washers method in calculus is coming up and it'll be easy to keep it together as long as i keep organized with three minutes of intense contemplation are up.

oh well.

gotten started on your changing the world project yet? yes. i have. i have thoughts in mind, only have to formulate some plans. i have plans. don't think i don't.

my why project is changing. i have been reading 'bless me ultima' and it's good, it's fine, it's mine too which is unusual for a book. i'm starting a collection. i like collecting.

why do people act like they do? because they are made that way and can't help it. case closed.

lost sunglasses and lost love

it's amazing just how much importance we can place on objects that really don't mean anything.

i lost my sunglasses last weekend.

the sunglasses mean so much to me, and now that they are lost, i am obsessed with them. i want them back. i am almost brought to tears, no kidding, when i think about them. i want them so badly.

i don't even really like them. but they were the only sunglasses i had ever had. they didn't fit me right, were the wrong brand, and i got them in an obscure and wrong way.

but they mean so much to me now. i really don't plan on ever seeing them again, and if i do, if i do i am going to put them on the ground if they are not already there and smash them. smash them to bits, with my shoes. i hate them. i need them so much but i hate them. i don't want them to hate me back, it just can't happen, it just can't work this way.
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO.

i can't believe it's happening this way.
i put so much effort into those glasses, so much money, so much time, so much love. so much. my life is in those glasses. my life is gone. lost. i need a new one. not that i want the old one. i just need something.

by the way, i lost my fiance this week too.

"isn't it funny how everything works out?
'i guess the joke's on me' she said"

i had a dream last night.
in it, i found my "one true love" but she didn't look like her. she had blonde hair, and a pink hoodie, and she would never look like that. she also had the wrong face, although i have no clue how i knew that in my dream, or what all that means. but that is the happiest i have been in a long time, and it all went away when i woke up. i don't know what it means.

i do know

that

in my dream,

i also found

my sunglasses.

and

when

i woke up,

i thought

i had them still,

and cried

when

i realized

that it was

all a

dream

what was i thinking?

Impacting the World:

what was i thinking? i have been feeling so bad lately. i really like working for the fimrc(foundation for the international medical relief of children). so, i feel bad because i have to focus on other things-- the main thing is-- dun dun duhhhn! My Impacting the World Project.

then, meira yasin saved me from my perceived "choice" between fimrc and my collo requirements.
why can't i "impact the world" through fimrc or some other organization?

i've already been brainstorming plenty of things to do for fimrc, and i've been brainstorming plenty of(less viable) things for my collo requirement. so... why don't i forget doing something seperate? it's causing me so much excitement thinking about fimrc projects, but so much distress trying to come up with a seperate project...

problem solved: i'll think of a project for fimrc, but i'll direct it primarily myself. my brainchild=my project, which will fulfill my personal goals for the club and my collo goals.

score!


...next topic.
meira & fimrc. i like working with meira, david, and the rest of fimrc so much. i just want to give back what i'm getting... i enjoy being in the club, so they should enjoy having me in the club. i may work with meira towards a project goal(seperate from fimrc... i'm talking collo now). but, if i accidentally start to leech off of her work more than creating my own, i'll have to stop.

and it's not like i can't come up with my own ideas... but two people working for the same goal can work together, right?

but she has some awful good ideas... i'll post soon with some "thought-projects"

Impacting the World by understanding why I need to

so i am thinking, i really like psychology. i really want to study morals and principles.

how does this impact the world?

it impacts the people in the world every day. i want to know... i want to explore compassion. i want to explore fortitude. i want to explore empathy.

actually, i'm more interested in finding out what causes these things to lack.

what do thieves think of themselves?
assassins? petty murderers? drunkards?

why do i have the opportunity to cheat... yet don't cheat? in almost any other part of society if i had an opportunity to advance myself and DIDN'T, i would be considered stupid.

argument: cheating on tests is cheating yourself b/c you didn't learn it yourself.
rebuttal: cheating on a test for a class you are not going to use-- say, for example, AP Basket-Weaving-- is not going to hurt you because you don't need the knowledge in the first place.

rebuttal 2: the art of cheating is, in itself, a discipline that can be learned and practiced to greater effect. thus, if you evolve your skill at cheating you are in the process of learning which is beneficial.

these are perhaps philosophical conundrums instead of psychological ones... but what i'm interested in most is the underlying thought processes behind the philosophical ideas.

Changing My Major!

I was about to write a note to myself, then I decided what the hell, I'll write it on my blog. Nobody but me will read it anyway. Haah.

right now i am in the process of changing my major. previously, i was just labeled as "pre-pharmacy" but without a major. nw, i want to be labeled a psychology major! with a minor in biology! actually, that's a lie. i'm still holding out that i'll be able to be both a psychology major and a biology major. but i haven't finished my pos. i'm working on it. much of the requirements for psych(behavioral neurology) major with the accompanying bio minor overlap with a biology major, and also the suggestions and requirements of psychiatry once i get in med school overlap greatly with biology.

i have been looking at so much undergrad stuff that i don't know how quillen treats psychiatric students... which is my next step after undergrad, by the way, medical school. i hope. i am not, definately not, going to pharmacy school any more. i don't know where those plans came in. med school, yes, i want to. maybe not for psychiatry. i'll have to see how that goes. but yes, psychiatry is my goal.

and yes, i don't have to major in psychology to be a psychiatrist. i just love psychology.
but that seems too easy. so,
i want
to be in the
honors-in-discipline program for psychology at etsu
but wait! there's more
i want to major in biology(ontopofthat)
how do i do that? first, i get off the damn computer and straighten out my
program of study
but hey, where do i find the class requirements for the honors-in-discipline program?

i need to go find them so i can do my junior and senior schedule

Impacting the World? Why? Who am I to know? What motivation do I need?

I decided my first real blog should be based on my projects.

1. Impacting The World
This project excites me the most but makes me fear the most as well. Impact the world? How in the world do I do that? I'm a know-nothing little punk from a small town who has never accomplished anything. Even if I want to change something specific, where do I start? There are so many problems in the world that if I made a drastic change to one problem in the world a day for a year, I would probably still be in my hometown fixing issues and wouldn't even have started fixing things that matter globally. If, however, I started on a grand, global scale, by the time I fixed 10 problems 9 more would have started. Yes, I'm cynical. I love being cynical. But I also think I'm realistic. I want to help. I really do. You can't imagine how much I wish I could do.

"i want to do something... that matters!" Is my starting point. I do not know the path from there.

2. Why?
I like this topic better, because it is on the surface less introspective while in reality it impacts me personally much more than the first one. I could start off with the question I've asked myself for years and years: why do I want to believe and do things I know are wrong or false, but continue with them anyway? I am guilty of this so much myself, and others follow suit. Sometimes I argue things and do things I know I disagree with, but I persist, always. I have considered myself at one point or another a believer in dozens of different religions, even as I knew them false or erroneus. I have debated for the validity of horribly flawed moral conceptions even as I realized their lack of worth. I lash out in anger during arguments, fully realizing that this decreases my chances of winning.
Why?
I hate to doubt my "pre-pharmacy" plans even further, but I've always been much more interested in psychology. Oh well, eh? My hopes and dreams slowly die. So it goes. They are replaced with apathy and nightmares. This leads to my next topic.

3. Who am I?
If the "me" of now talked to the "me" of, say, middle school, he would be very disappointed in me. Maybe I would give him a lot of advice for high school. Make him proud of himself. Warn him of a few dangers. He would tell me he wants to be a psychiatrist.
"Well, you're going into pharmacy school soon."
"So I changed my mind and want to be a pharmacist?"
"Uh, well, no. You(I?) don't really want to be a pharmacist, I just...."
"I don't understand."
Neither do I.
I need to talk to somebody.
About exploring my major-changing opportunities.

4. Motivation
Why do I do what I do?

...

...?
"i want to do something... that matters."
I don't want my life to be wasted. I want to be worth more than the flesh I'm made of.

..I am content while others starve, and this isn't fair. I want to balance things out a little, if I can.

My First Post Ever

This is my first post blogging ever. The basics: blogging as part of a school assignment, hate sharing my thoughts via visual means because I usually express too much, I am too introspective.

Welcome to the analysis of a travesty in progress.
I invite you to visit http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/travesty, just to see how I view myself.

I like my name even as I grow despondent at the mention of it.
I'll update within a few days with my first substancial blog.