what was i thinking?

Impacting the World:

what was i thinking? i have been feeling so bad lately. i really like working for the fimrc(foundation for the international medical relief of children). so, i feel bad because i have to focus on other things-- the main thing is-- dun dun duhhhn! My Impacting the World Project.

then, meira yasin saved me from my perceived "choice" between fimrc and my collo requirements.
why can't i "impact the world" through fimrc or some other organization?

i've already been brainstorming plenty of things to do for fimrc, and i've been brainstorming plenty of(less viable) things for my collo requirement. so... why don't i forget doing something seperate? it's causing me so much excitement thinking about fimrc projects, but so much distress trying to come up with a seperate project...

problem solved: i'll think of a project for fimrc, but i'll direct it primarily myself. my brainchild=my project, which will fulfill my personal goals for the club and my collo goals.

score!


...next topic.
meira & fimrc. i like working with meira, david, and the rest of fimrc so much. i just want to give back what i'm getting... i enjoy being in the club, so they should enjoy having me in the club. i may work with meira towards a project goal(seperate from fimrc... i'm talking collo now). but, if i accidentally start to leech off of her work more than creating my own, i'll have to stop.

and it's not like i can't come up with my own ideas... but two people working for the same goal can work together, right?

but she has some awful good ideas... i'll post soon with some "thought-projects"

Impacting the World by understanding why I need to

so i am thinking, i really like psychology. i really want to study morals and principles.

how does this impact the world?

it impacts the people in the world every day. i want to know... i want to explore compassion. i want to explore fortitude. i want to explore empathy.

actually, i'm more interested in finding out what causes these things to lack.

what do thieves think of themselves?
assassins? petty murderers? drunkards?

why do i have the opportunity to cheat... yet don't cheat? in almost any other part of society if i had an opportunity to advance myself and DIDN'T, i would be considered stupid.

argument: cheating on tests is cheating yourself b/c you didn't learn it yourself.
rebuttal: cheating on a test for a class you are not going to use-- say, for example, AP Basket-Weaving-- is not going to hurt you because you don't need the knowledge in the first place.

rebuttal 2: the art of cheating is, in itself, a discipline that can be learned and practiced to greater effect. thus, if you evolve your skill at cheating you are in the process of learning which is beneficial.

these are perhaps philosophical conundrums instead of psychological ones... but what i'm interested in most is the underlying thought processes behind the philosophical ideas.

Changing My Major!

I was about to write a note to myself, then I decided what the hell, I'll write it on my blog. Nobody but me will read it anyway. Haah.

right now i am in the process of changing my major. previously, i was just labeled as "pre-pharmacy" but without a major. nw, i want to be labeled a psychology major! with a minor in biology! actually, that's a lie. i'm still holding out that i'll be able to be both a psychology major and a biology major. but i haven't finished my pos. i'm working on it. much of the requirements for psych(behavioral neurology) major with the accompanying bio minor overlap with a biology major, and also the suggestions and requirements of psychiatry once i get in med school overlap greatly with biology.

i have been looking at so much undergrad stuff that i don't know how quillen treats psychiatric students... which is my next step after undergrad, by the way, medical school. i hope. i am not, definately not, going to pharmacy school any more. i don't know where those plans came in. med school, yes, i want to. maybe not for psychiatry. i'll have to see how that goes. but yes, psychiatry is my goal.

and yes, i don't have to major in psychology to be a psychiatrist. i just love psychology.
but that seems too easy. so,
i want
to be in the
honors-in-discipline program for psychology at etsu
but wait! there's more
i want to major in biology(ontopofthat)
how do i do that? first, i get off the damn computer and straighten out my
program of study
but hey, where do i find the class requirements for the honors-in-discipline program?

i need to go find them so i can do my junior and senior schedule

Impacting the World? Why? Who am I to know? What motivation do I need?

I decided my first real blog should be based on my projects.

1. Impacting The World
This project excites me the most but makes me fear the most as well. Impact the world? How in the world do I do that? I'm a know-nothing little punk from a small town who has never accomplished anything. Even if I want to change something specific, where do I start? There are so many problems in the world that if I made a drastic change to one problem in the world a day for a year, I would probably still be in my hometown fixing issues and wouldn't even have started fixing things that matter globally. If, however, I started on a grand, global scale, by the time I fixed 10 problems 9 more would have started. Yes, I'm cynical. I love being cynical. But I also think I'm realistic. I want to help. I really do. You can't imagine how much I wish I could do.

"i want to do something... that matters!" Is my starting point. I do not know the path from there.

2. Why?
I like this topic better, because it is on the surface less introspective while in reality it impacts me personally much more than the first one. I could start off with the question I've asked myself for years and years: why do I want to believe and do things I know are wrong or false, but continue with them anyway? I am guilty of this so much myself, and others follow suit. Sometimes I argue things and do things I know I disagree with, but I persist, always. I have considered myself at one point or another a believer in dozens of different religions, even as I knew them false or erroneus. I have debated for the validity of horribly flawed moral conceptions even as I realized their lack of worth. I lash out in anger during arguments, fully realizing that this decreases my chances of winning.
Why?
I hate to doubt my "pre-pharmacy" plans even further, but I've always been much more interested in psychology. Oh well, eh? My hopes and dreams slowly die. So it goes. They are replaced with apathy and nightmares. This leads to my next topic.

3. Who am I?
If the "me" of now talked to the "me" of, say, middle school, he would be very disappointed in me. Maybe I would give him a lot of advice for high school. Make him proud of himself. Warn him of a few dangers. He would tell me he wants to be a psychiatrist.
"Well, you're going into pharmacy school soon."
"So I changed my mind and want to be a pharmacist?"
"Uh, well, no. You(I?) don't really want to be a pharmacist, I just...."
"I don't understand."
Neither do I.
I need to talk to somebody.
About exploring my major-changing opportunities.

4. Motivation
Why do I do what I do?

...

...?
"i want to do something... that matters."
I don't want my life to be wasted. I want to be worth more than the flesh I'm made of.

..I am content while others starve, and this isn't fair. I want to balance things out a little, if I can.

My First Post Ever

This is my first post blogging ever. The basics: blogging as part of a school assignment, hate sharing my thoughts via visual means because I usually express too much, I am too introspective.

Welcome to the analysis of a travesty in progress.
I invite you to visit http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/travesty, just to see how I view myself.

I like my name even as I grow despondent at the mention of it.
I'll update within a few days with my first substancial blog.