Motivation

"i want to do something that matters"

but just what is that?

i'll take a look at the baser things first, work my way up. why do i want to do psychology? because of the way i talk to people sometimes, like i am a seperate thing from them instead of a continuity of their humanity.
i don't like being a continuity of your humanity. i like being seperate. i'll tell you that you are human, alright. i just won't participate in it.

why do i want to do pre-med? because i can't think of anything to do with a degree in psychology that is as rewarding financially as a doctorate in psychiatry. i'm sorry that i think of money as a motivation, but i already have a big family and want to just increase on that. i want security, and money is security. no, i don't plan on "scraping by" on the salary of a psychiatrist. but the money is a comfort.

there's no telling what a degree in psychology or anything else will get me-- med school, if passed successfully, is a little definate.

Impacting the World

by doing what? right now, i'm trying to get together game day for fimrc the 24th(next wednesday)

i am trying to get our guitar hero tournament going, but there is so much PAPERWORK BEAURACRATIC BULLSHIT to go through.

the people that have been helping me thru the paperwork are nice enough about it, i just keep getting MORE.

AAH.

i want to impact the world by having another charity event in the spring.
i just don't know what. meira has some ideas, other people have ideas, i have ideas.

ideas are worthless to me any more.
i need to move.

pull it together man

pull it together man it's not that bad you just have to keep updated on the forum and pull off the guitar hero tournament and keep intouch and inlove and insane and together for the win - ter is coming and a good friend at that, hopefully she will be able to help and i need to bring my cold-clothing piled up in the room to the washers method in calculus is coming up and it'll be easy to keep it together as long as i keep organized with three minutes of intense contemplation are up.

oh well.

gotten started on your changing the world project yet? yes. i have. i have thoughts in mind, only have to formulate some plans. i have plans. don't think i don't.

my why project is changing. i have been reading 'bless me ultima' and it's good, it's fine, it's mine too which is unusual for a book. i'm starting a collection. i like collecting.

why do people act like they do? because they are made that way and can't help it. case closed.

lost sunglasses and lost love

it's amazing just how much importance we can place on objects that really don't mean anything.

i lost my sunglasses last weekend.

the sunglasses mean so much to me, and now that they are lost, i am obsessed with them. i want them back. i am almost brought to tears, no kidding, when i think about them. i want them so badly.

i don't even really like them. but they were the only sunglasses i had ever had. they didn't fit me right, were the wrong brand, and i got them in an obscure and wrong way.

but they mean so much to me now. i really don't plan on ever seeing them again, and if i do, if i do i am going to put them on the ground if they are not already there and smash them. smash them to bits, with my shoes. i hate them. i need them so much but i hate them. i don't want them to hate me back, it just can't happen, it just can't work this way.
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO.

i can't believe it's happening this way.
i put so much effort into those glasses, so much money, so much time, so much love. so much. my life is in those glasses. my life is gone. lost. i need a new one. not that i want the old one. i just need something.

by the way, i lost my fiance this week too.

"isn't it funny how everything works out?
'i guess the joke's on me' she said"

i had a dream last night.
in it, i found my "one true love" but she didn't look like her. she had blonde hair, and a pink hoodie, and she would never look like that. she also had the wrong face, although i have no clue how i knew that in my dream, or what all that means. but that is the happiest i have been in a long time, and it all went away when i woke up. i don't know what it means.

i do know

that

in my dream,

i also found

my sunglasses.

and

when

i woke up,

i thought

i had them still,

and cried

when

i realized

that it was

all a

dream