Story of the Bottlecaps Covered in Beans

As part of a service project a while back, I visited an Adult Learning Center.

It was there that I learned a momentous clue about the meaning of life.

A woman confined to a wheelchair and living with a mental disability was sitting at a table. In front of this Oracle was a box full of beans. Sprinkled and mixed throughout the beans were plastic caps like one would find confining Pepsi or Coke or anything into a bottle.

I looked around the place, thinking of the meaning these adults living with mental illness could find in their lives. The oracle's long trips down into the beans often left her feeble hands empty. Occasionally, she would lift up a cap and smile. Does her life have any other pattern?

Does my life have any other pattern? I play video games. I take long trips into an online world. Many times I lose. Sometimes I win, and it feels good. Is this accomplishing anything? Is this a complicated box full of beans?

Forget video games, what about other things in life? I am interested in psychology research, biomedical research, philosophy. Is searching for the answers in these fields just digging our hands in bigger and more complicated beans, sometimes getting a good cap out and sometimes coming back empty-handed?

I use the wrong words. Life lived this way can have "meaning" but does it have any "significance"? I'm not qualitatively different from an invalid staring out the window and occasionally flooding himself with joy (and possibly urine) as he sees a pretty bird outside his window. This dignifies his life, but what does it say about mine?

I finally figured out what I want from life.

First, there are the simple things:

• FOOD
• SLEEP
• MY FAMILY
• MY FRIENDS
• WOMEN

Next, there are the more complicated things:

• GOOD FOOD
• LOTS OF SLEEP
• MONEY$
• LEARNING ABOUT: psychology, biology, philosophy, evolution (especially human evolution and evolutionary psychology)

I'm tired of worrying about what I want to do with my life. I started my undergraduate experience in college wanting to be a pharmacist. I have no desire for this. I amended that to wanting to get a Medical Degree. I barely knew what a medical degree was. In fact, it took me a lot longer than a semester to realize just what "Dr." meant. I still (I'm in my third year) have trouble coming to terms with that title.

I'm the first person in my family to go off to college, and everyone is very proud. But, I still come from a non-academic background. My high school guidance counselors were CRAP.

So I now see that there's this magical thing out there called a PhD, and if I have one... I get to do lots of research and get paid for it.

I want one.

almost two years

what can happen in almost two years?

• you can have an ex-fiance
• you can gain a dog
• you can think about the meaning of life. a Lot
• you can find the meaning of life
• you can realize death will come to her
• you can realize life will come to her1
• you can get up at 3:00 a.m. after no sleep, and howl
• you can realize you weren't meant for her2
• you can get tired of her3
• you can get to know kyle maclachlan
• you can get to know your siblings
• you can call the cops on some prostitutes
• you can hate her4
• you can meet the legend
• you can watch the legend burn
• you can see a NIN concert
• you can watch some movies
• you can make good friends
• you can forget.
• you can forget.
• you can forget.
• you can forget.